Four Options to Get Unstuck

Anyone can get stuck. We face problems, we know they are there, but we feel at a loss on how to move forward. Sometimes the best path forward is to have a structured way to consider and tackle the concerns we are experiencing in our lives. Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, discusses four options that can be applied to any challenging problem. These four options provide a good path to clear one’s mind and help clarify a direction when one feels utterly stuck in a difficult situation.

1. Solve the Problem. Change the situation or leave the situation. This option can be exemplified in a problematic work situation. Trying to solve the problem might mean trying something different at work, talking to your boss, leaving the position, or even leaving the company. This approach, while often effective, is not always available to us, especially when one does not have control over the situation.
2. Feel Better about the Problem by regulating the emotions that the problem elicits. This option takes an emotion focussed, rather than solution focused, approach. It entails working with the debilitating emotion (i.e. anger, sadness, guilt, anxiety, shame, or fear) that results from the problem and learning to manage those emotional reactions. In this approach we may not see the problem disappear, but we have some power over whether it is amplified or not by our emotional reaction.
3. Tolerate the Problem. Option number three is generally seen as the most complicated solution, but also one that is commonly misunderstood. Tolerating the problem is about having an acceptance for the situation. This does not mean you have to approve of the situation or the choices of others, but it does mean that you are letting go of the weight that it has on you. Maybe a family member has deeply hurt you in the past. Tolerating the problem does not mean you condone their choices but it does mean that you accept and tolerate the situation for what it is and try to not allow it to impact you as deeply as you move forward.
4. Stay Miserable. Although this option seems like the obvious option to avoid, this is the one we most frequently chose. So ask yourself, have you chosen option 4 when in fact option 3 is preferred? I know it seems desirable to say, maybe I’ll just go on vacation, but that does not actually change anything. It is just another way that you can avoid the problem and ultimately prolong the amount of time that you are staying in option 4.

 
So the next time you feel stuck and upset ask yourself what it would look like to employ each of these four options and then decide which option will be most satisfying for you and the desired result. You may not be able to solve the problem, but you might be able to avoid staying miserable.

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